Remembering My SpiritFengshi Yang In all my life, I never thought that one day, I, a Chinese musician who has devoted most of her time to promoting Chinese culture in the west, would become “persona non grata”, a person not welcome in her own homeland… I am a composer, a conductor, a pianist and a harpist. Graduated from the University of Chicago in 1990, I became the first Mainland Chinese woman to earn a Ph.D. in music composition in the United States. In 1993, I founded East Meets West Music Arts, a not-for-profit performing group whose mission is to bridge East and West through music arts. As its music director, I have led this group to present numerous concerts in the Chicago area over the past eight years. Our programs have won excellent acclamations from local communities throughout Chicagoland. Music has been in my life since I was a little girl, born to a family in the city of Shanghai, China, where my father taught music at the Shanghai Conservatory. During that darkest and most tragic period of the sixties and throughout the seventies in China, childhood had lost its usual color as music had lost its true meaning. Yet, my parents still managed to guide me into learning western classical music, a lonely, even a dangerous endeavor by then. After taking my first piano lesson, music never left me, and I have never lived without music. With a dream to pursue a Ph.D. in music, I came to the United States to study and hoped that one day I would bring my new experiences back to my homeland. But, in that cold summer of 1989, the June 4th nightmare struck a devastating blow to my hope. When the Tiananmen tragedy happened and took so many innocent young lives, I cried out. About that time I was finishing my final Ph.D. composition, “Fantasia Prelude” which was then dedicated to honor the Tiananmen spirit ---fighting for freedom, justice and democracy. My life, ever since, has been changed… I decided to stay in this free land. A land that promises freedom and liberty, a land that gives us equal opportunities to pursue our individual dreams. In 1996, I became an U.S. citizen. America now has become my beloved new homeland. I praise, I enjoy, I devote my talent back to our society, and yet, as I thank God for giving me free air to breath and for giving me a wonderful land to live in, my memory of the Tiananmen tragedy has never faded. There are people in China still suffering from injustice because of that incident which happened 12 years ago. A partial list of Tiananmen victims has remained on my desk for years. Every time I look at these names, I think about their families. A mother who lost her only son, then a high school student, pleading that the world not forget them. Yes, how can we forget them? How can we forget those who died wrongfully 12 years ago? How can we forget families who lost their loved ones, and still have not been allowed to express their feelings in public for these long 12 years? The Tiananmen tragedy was an awakening for me, it opened my eyes, touched my conscience. For the first time in my life, I could see clearly, I could feel deeply… I wanted to use my passion for music to make the point that “Life is a treasure from God”, and that pursuit of freedom is a basic human right that people of all nations deserve to have. Honoring life has then become an important inspiration for my musical writing. During the past 12 years, our June concert was always a special one. I arranged and directed a variety of programs. There were orchestral and choir performances, there were poetry readings and vocal solos, there was chamber music, there was a short play and a lecture… In 1999, ten years later, my “Symphonic Poem 99”, a cello concerto, was born. It is a song of memories, a song of hope, and most of all, a song of life. Like a rainbow, music connected our hearts to those suffering, conveyed our love to those wounded families, and our spirits communed deeply with those in the other part of the world… By remembering them through our music, I wanted to tell that mother who lost her beloved son – we didn’t forget him. By honoring life through our program, I wanted to show my homeland -- we still care for you. As the years went by, I didn’t realize that I was also paying a price, that is, loss of my own freedom -- the freedom to visit my family in China. Last fall, I wanted to visit my 84-year-old father who I haven’t seen for 8 years. He was hospitalized and now has seriously declining health. But, my visa application was denied with no reasons given of any kind. Months passed by, my appeals went no where. June was coming again. It was the 12th anniversary of the June 4th Tiananmen tragedy. I asked myself, “should I continue to commemorate it”? My answer is, yes. I must. My personal tragedy of lost freedom to visit my family made my feeling of other’s pain even deeper now. Totalitarianism may have the power to control your life, but it has no way to control your free spirit. It can deprive you of basic human needs, but it can not take away caring in your heart for each other and more over it should not misuse its power to intimidate people honoring life in this free land. This is a freedom that I value so much here, and I want to treasure and protect it above all else. On June 3rd, 2001, I went back to the campus of the University of Chicago. There, East Meets West Music Arts presented the 12th anniversary concert of “ In Remembrance –Tiananmen June 4th”. When the music began, tears came down my cheeks… I don’t know when my music will ever be able to be played in my homeland, or when I maybe able to see my father again. I just pray that one day, if we can all stand up to speak out for the truth, to fight for the freedom and justice, and to live with courage and principle, that time will be nearer. I am a musician. I don’t understand politics. But, I deeply believe that this is not about politics. It is about morality. Being an artist is a gift. Being an artist with integrity is noble to me. I could give up my career as a musician, but I can’t exchange my integrity for anything else. This is the essence of my spirit. This is a basic principle of my life. I am sad being “persona non grata”. Yet, I am proud that I have sustained the integrity of my soul.
Aug. 2001 http://www.geocities.com/emwmusic/home.htm -------------------------- |